


The New Sensation

by Tiredteengaer



Series: Dick Grayson is baby [6]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics), Robin (Comics)
Genre: And Bruce is confused and a tired Dad, Attempt at Humor, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Crack, Dick Grayson is Robin, Dick Grayson is a Ray of Sunshine, Dick Grayson is obsessed with Tiktok, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Light Angst, One Shot, Other, TikTok, Troll Dick Grayson, Who's a little sad that his kid is growing up, Young Dick Grayson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:08:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28839894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiredteengaer/pseuds/Tiredteengaer
Summary: Ever since Dick had been eight years old, Bruce had relentlessly been warned and teased with the upcoming horrors of raising a teenager. He had heard it all, the mood swings, the sudden interest in romantic relationships, the rebellion and he'd spent the last of his preteens warily awaiting the dreaded teen years.No one had told him that part of raising a teenager was having to cope withTiktok.Or Dick gets Tiktok. He's obsessed. Alfred is exasperated. Bruce is confused and a little worried for Dick's sanity
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne
Series: Dick Grayson is baby [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1761397
Comments: 11
Kudos: 115





	The New Sensation

Bruce wondered if it would be too cruel of a deed to snatch Dick's phone and smash it into tiny pieces with his hands. He couldn't take it anymore.

'Dick.' he gritted out, pressing the _W_ key hard with his forefinger, resisting the urge to initiate a keyboard smash by smacking his head into the key board. 'For the love of god, _turn that off.'_

'Wha-' Dick lifted his head up from the mountains of blankets and pillows he'd salvaged over the weeks and gathered on the floor of the cave. 'Oh sorry.' he pressed the screen, effectively cutting the obnoxious music short. He rolled on to his stomach, dropping the phone on the ground and propping his face on his hands as he smiled at his mentor. 'What you working on?'

'Reports from the league's latest mission. What are _you_ doing?'

'Tiktok.'

He stared impassively at his son, confused by the answer. 'What?' 

'Tiktok.'

'That is not an activity. That's a sound a clock makes or a person makes when impersonating a clock.'

'Maybe for old timers such as you, B.' Dick grinned, getting to his feet and snatching up the new phone Bruce had just gifted him for his good results. He was sort of regretting it now, the teengaer was glued to it. The boy hopped up to sit on the arm of the computer chair, leaning against Bruce and holding the phone out to him. 'It's a new app. It's all the rage between teenagers and young adults now adays.'

Bruce pulled the phone out of his grasp, pressing the black icon and surpressing a flinch when loud music blared into the cave. Dick pressed the middle of the screen and the video of four young teengers dancing froze. 'Is this your way of calling me old?'

'Your words, not mine, B.' Dick teased, lowering the sound from the side and pressing the record symbol on the bottom right. The screen changed from the dancing girls to a collection of _many_ videos of dancing girls. Bruce reached up to pinch the kids nose in punishment as he scrolled down the screen. 'So what is the purpose of this app? More social medias to upload pictures?'

'Videos actually. There are songs and people put them on and just....do stuff I guess.'

Bruce raised a brow, suspicious by the vague explaination. He glanced down at the phone in alarm, wondering if it was a porn website. The thought left his mind as soon as it popped up. After all, Dick wouldn't willingly show him anything even slightly dirty, he had nearly jumped a mile into the air when Bruce had walked into the living room while a kissing scene had appeared. And he very much doubted the boy was still innocent enough to not know when something was sketchy or when something was actually innocent. He still remembered when Dick was nine year old and had climbed into his lap and had very innocently asked him what _blowjobs_ were.

Not to mention the horror the poor boy had felt when he had realised that furries were a weird sex thing and not a type of plushie toys. 

'So they dance to songs? I didn't think you would be into dance videos.'

'They don't just dance. There are trends people follow, like makeups and dress up trends and funny videos with music that oddly fits the situation. They are dance videos too and it's a great place to discover underrated music.' 

'That all sounds fine. Now why have you been listening to the same song on repeat for ten minutes if this app has such a variety of songs to offer? It's driving me crazy.'

'Sorry. It's the _it_ song now adays and everyone's dancing to it. Plus, the people dancing it are very ho...talented.'

Bruce gave Dick a dubious look, locking the screen as he leant against the other side of the chair and raised a brow at his son. Dick stared back, cheeks reddening slightly when he realised he'd given himself away. 'What? I'm fourteen, I'm allowed to find people talented.' 

Bruce sighed, handing the phone back to the teenager. He supposed he couldn't really feel overprotective over this, Dick was fourteen and he'd had a hopelessly apparent crush on Barbara for.... forever to be honest. He was going to find certain people attractive and might get urges to do _stuff._ No matter how much it icked Bruce, he couldn't exactly step in and stop him. No matter how much he hated it, Dick was growing up. He wouldn't be the sweet eight year old forever.

He could borrow some magic from his fellow Leaguers and allies and reverse his age and preserve him as a sweet, giggly chubby cheeked baby forever...

-no, nope that was stupid. Dick was going to grow up, no matter what he did. 

Ugh, the ache of watching his kid grow up was not what he had bargained for all those years ago.

'Well then, do you mind playing it upstairs? I need to finish this report and there are plenty of actual beds up in the manor. Why did you drag all these pillows and blankets down here anyway?'

'I saw this new type of blanket fort on Tiktok and I wanted to try it out. And the cave needed a pop of colour anyway. Be thankful I didn't drape fancy printed blankets all over the walls.'

'And why would you do that?'

'Everyone on Tiktok does it.' The boy answered brightly, reaching in to the bowl of chocolate covered almonds on the far left and popping a few into his mouth before skipping up the stairs and playing the video again. The tinkly music sounded through the cave again and Bruce resigned himself to hearing the cursed music for a few more seconds but paused when he heard a _bang_ instead. That didn't sound like part of the song. 

'Dick?'

'Sorry, got distracted. Missed a step.' 

'Get off that damn phone.'

'Okay boomer.' 

Bruce didn't have the mental energy to even question what that statement meant or where it had come from.

~

'People-' Dick announced loudly as Bruce stepped into the hallway, handing his briefcase to an amused looking Alfred. '-are disturbed.'

Bruce paused as he shrugged off his slightly wet hat and coat, glancing at the slight drizzle that had picked up outside just as he'd gotten out of the car. 'You didn't already know that? This city isn't exactly an example for the sane.' 

'Well, Arkham doesn't have enough cells for these psychos. Who the fu-'

'Language.'

'-who in the jolly beans of Santa Claus dips pizza in green tea?!?'

Bruce decided to let the weird substitute for the curse slip by, the second part was more disturbing if he was being honest. 'Where did you see people eat that?'

He knew the answer before Dick spoke. _'Tiktok!'_

Jesus Christ, the boy was obsessed. 'Why were you watching people eat pizza when you have an exam next week?'

'It's next week, I have plenty of time. Though I wish I had studied rather than ruin my favourite song by watching someone eat fried eggs with strawberry jam.'

'I thought it was green tea and pizza?'

'It's a new trend. People are posting their weird food combinations to the lyrics of a rap song. It's funny because the song is meant to be....er, dirty. But they substitute the lyric meant for other stuff and make it seem they're just talking about their food.'

'It sounds confusing.'

'You sound boring.'

Bruce wondered how mad Alfred would be if he picked the boy up and threw him into the pool. Dick probably wouldn't care, he'd just giggle and then probably do something to the plumbing so that Bruce only got cold water in his shower as revenge but Alfred might decide that he no longer needed an employer and strangle him.

He chose to tiredly reply with an, 'Alright' instead of defending himself. His son was a little brat when he was in a good mood and despite the trauma he was claiming to have attained from the videos, it seemed today was one of his better days. He tuned back in to conversation, realising that Dick was still abashed and complaining about the food combinations.

'-and someone was eating curry with chocolate! And not seperately, they melted the chocolate and swirled it in the curry and it looked like a drunk's vomit-'

'-Dick.' he hastily interrupted, swallowing down the nausea that arose at the description of people's questionable food choices. 'I can tell you're upset but discussing these....horrors won't make you feel better. Why don't you find something you actually do find appealing and order that or ask Alfred to make it for you. I'm sure you can find plenty of good recipes of actual food on youtube.' 

Dick lit up, his hands falling back to his side from where he'd thrown them up in aggravation. 'That's a great idea, B! Though I'll just look for them on Tiktok, no one uses Youtube anymore.'

He disappeared up the stairs after delivering that crushing blow and Bruce blinked, deciding _not_ to tell Dick that he had just started using youtube on a daily basis.

God damn it, he wants even that old! He was only thirty, why did he feel so out of the loop?

He sighed as he made his way to his bedroom, dropping down on to his bed and picking up Dick's english essay from his bedside as he did so. He flipped it open, glad that the boy was keeping up with his homework. He had started to worry that his new fatuation with Tiktok alongside his other activities might distract him from his school work but Dick was still leaving his homework by Bruce's bedside for him to check, so it didn't seem he was slacking off. Anytime Dick got distracted from his school work and started slacking, he'd make excuses for not presenting his work to Bruce so as to stay out of trouble.

He was halfway through the essay when Alfred slipped in, carrying a pile of folded clothes. The butler shook his head at Bruce when he made to get up to help him.

'No need sir. Continue with your work please, I should not be long.' 

Bruce propped himself back against his pillows and he'd only managed to read four more lines before Dick's excited yells sounded through the hallways.

'ALFRED! CAN WE MAKE TINY PANCAKES TO USE IN CEREALS? I SAW IT ON TIKTOK!'

Bruce noted that the elderly gentleman eye was twitching from his young charge's abomining food choices. 

'Alfred?'

'Sir, I humbly request hat you get this wretched application banned and deleted from existence.'

'Alf-'

'-otherwise, I shall quit and drop the boy off at a nutritionist on my way.'

Bruce didn't know how to respond to that so he went back to reading Dick's essay on the toxic relationship and gender stereotypes portrayed in his latest school book as Alfred left the room, no doubt to unwillingly indulge the boy's request.

He whipped his own phone out and quickly searched up _pancake cereal_ and stared in half amusement and half bewilderment at the images that popped up.

He secretly agreed to himself that they looked pretty good....

~

_'Hit or miss-'_

'-Robin-'

_'-I guess they never miss, huh?'_

'Robin-'

'But in your case, all you _do_ is miss!' Robin crowed as he delivered a bone shattering kick to the thug's head, leading to the man crumbling into an unconcious pile on the floor. Batman punched his own guy before turning to glare at his protege, using his training to mask the smile that was threatening to curl up on his lips. 

'Enough fooling around-'

'That's my boyfriend, you Little rascal!' A rather large man lunged for them and Bruce dodged easily, glancing quickly at his partner to make sure he had gotten out of the way. Dick stood two feet to the left from where he'd previously been standing and was staring at the unconscious form on the floor with a strange look on his face. Bruce felt his heart drop, anxiously looking the teenager up and down to spot any injuries he might have accidentally acquired when he'd been lunged at.

His worries fled as soon as he saw the absolutely _evil_ smile that split Dick's face as he confidently stared up at his new attacker and obnoxiously sang, _'You got a boyfriend, I bet he doesn't kiss ya!'_ before delivering an earth shattering kick to the man's crotch.

He was still giggling and mumbling the song to himself by the time Batman had knocked out the man who had tried to stab his son and had tied all six thugs together.

_'Hit or miss, I guess they never miss-'_

'Stop singing that or you're going to be scrubbing the cave floor with a toothbrush for a week.'

'Yes sir.' 

~

'Did you know royals can't play monopoly because it might lead to them getting competitive and too involved in buisness activities?'

'Yes.'

'They also can't eat any seafood! Because there's a risk of being poisoned!'

'I know.'

'They're even more paranoid than you! You'd really get along with Queen Elizabeth.'

'She's a sweet and brilliant woman but we're acquaintances at best.'

_'You've met the queen of England?!?'_

'Yes. Thrice.'

'So banana-nana was right.'

'...who?'

'This girl on tiktok that shares all these rumors and facts about famous people. There are rumors about you too. There's one that you have a tattoo on the back of your left thigh.'

'A skull with a knife through it's mouth?'

'Wha- how'd you know?'

'.....'

'Wait- wait, _it's true?!?'_

'I have to get going. I'll be late for lunch.'

'Wha- no, you can't just leave now after dropping that bomb shell! Is it true?' 

Bruce smirked, fixing his tie in the mirror and picking up his jacket. 'I can't keep my buisness partners waiting, chum.'

'Oh my god! You can't do this to me-' Dick waved his arms exaggeratedly, glaring angrily at his broken leg which was propped up on a pillow. 'Alfred! Alfred, you have to stop Bruce! He's being scandalous-'

'Goodbye Dick. Remember to do your homework.'

'There is no way Alfred allowed you to get a tattoo of something so tacky! Tell me the truth-'

'I'll see you later. Try not to spend the whole time on that cursed app.' 

He shut the door as Dick screamed out after him, 'I'll upload this on Tiktok, Bruce! Don't think I won't-'

Bruce pulled his keys out as the door muffled Dick's indignant yells. Just because he wasn't in the loop of what the kids liked doing now adays, doesn't mean he couldn't have his own fun.

And if there was some truth to the whole thing, that just made it more fun. 

~

'Dick, it's five AM. Why are you awake?' 

His son jumped a foot into the air, mimicking a deer caught in headlights. The blue glow from his computer screen seemed to illuminate the dark bags under his eyes and his lips were chapped from dehydration. Bruce sighed tiredly and sat at the edge of the large bed, reaching forward to pull Dick's laptop away from him.

The boy grabbed at his computer with the energy of a drowning man gasping for air. Bruce paused, surprised by the narotic way Dick was behaving and how...scared he looked.

'Are you okay?'

Dick searched him, noticing that the injury he precurred from parole an hour or so ago bleeding through his bandage. Bruce frowned at that, shaking his head as he got up and walked to Dick's bathroom. He pulled out the first aid kit and returned to the bed, sitting next at Dick's side instead of at the end of the bed. He didn't comment on Dick hastily snapping his laptop screen shut, instead focusing on peeling the banadage from his son's forehead. 

'The screen can't be helping the headache you must have from your head injury. You should go to sleep.'

Dick winced as Bruce rubbed an alcohol doused cotton bud over his wound but stared up at him, in a manner that seemed so openly vulnerable that it was putting him on edge. 'You didn't answer me. Are you okay?'

Dick lifted his head to rub at his eye, exhaustion clearly etched on his face. 'I'm....a mess.'

'I can see that.' Bruce accepted the response as he picked up a new bandage and cut it up. 'Did something happen on parole that's affecting you? Or is it a civilian crisis?'

'It's...it's somewhere in between.'

Bruce sighed, tired from the long day and early hour and unwilling to beat around the bush. He swept a thumb over the newly bandaged wound and left his hand craddling the side of his son's face as he gazed at him. 'What's wrong Dick? Are you in trouble?'

'I-I'm not. But someone I know might be.'

Dick turned away from Bruce to pick up his phone and turned it on, raising the volume before handing it to his father. Bruce almost groaned when he saw that it was that damn app again but stopped himself when he saw the stark difference in the thumbnail from the usual videos he watched.

'Just...listen to that.'

And Bruce did and his heart broke. The young girl on the screen was hysterical, her eyes puffy red and tears slipping down her cheeks as she explained the horrible situation her brother was stuck in. Bruce's jaw tightened as he gritted his teeth, his knuckles whitening as he gripped the phone hard.

'Aidan Malstrom. I've never heard his name.'

'He....he used to visit juvie and hang around with us while I was stuck there. He was two years older than me and he was really nice. His parents... weren't.'

_Clearly._

'And this girl...?'

'-is his half sister. And she's been....she made a fake account to ask everyone and anyone for help to bust her brother out- B, her parents sent her brother to Arkham for being _gay-'_

'I know, chum.'

'It's...it's so horrible. Don't they _know_ what kind of psychos and maniacs are locked up in there? And they just threw their son in there without a second thought because they didn't agree with his lifestyle and-'

'Okay, okay ssh.' he reached forward to sweep a hand through his son's hair, knowing the injuries were messing with his emotion and was making him more upset than usual. 'How did you get to know about this?'

'I....she's a genius. She used popular songs but made sure not to use the usual flashy points and filters so that it wouldn't appear on the top. I was scrolling through the videos when I came across her....I think I must have watched at least four hundred vidoes-'

'Dickie...'

'Sorry, I know I'm rambling. The last video she posted, she tagged me- I'm guessing because she knew you can step in and do _something_ to help her. She posted four videoes explaining that her brother had been outed as gay when her mom's friend saw him kissing his boyfriend at a restaurant. And they....they don't believe in gay relationships. And they- okay, she didn't really state it but I think they beated him up really bad and when that didn't work, they sent him to Arkham and told the staff that he's practicing _unethical_ activities and they just...they just left him in there. And she's not allowed to see him but she knows he's locked in the fourth ward-'

Bruce sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth, enraged and disgusted. As batman, he visited Arkham more times then he'd like to admit and he knew that the institution was divided into wards and sectors, so as to not put people who needed normal amount of help with those who were basically in prison. 

The fourth ward....was not to be messed around with. Bruce tried to keep Robin as far from Arkham as possible but in their line of work, Dick had had to visit the wretched place quite a few times. Even then, anything above section three was absolutely off limits to him. That place was too traumatising.

He couldn't imagine a child being locked in there. Much less, one who had no issues rather then having horrible parents. 

'We....I have to do something. I can't leave him in there, he doesn't deserve that. I'm sorry that I've been slacking on my studies and everything but-'

'-I am not mad at you. I can't fault you for wanting to help people. It's the quality I'm most proud of.' he wrapped his arms around his son, heart hammering angrily as he pictured the poor boy curled into a ball in a cold cell in Arkham. He blinked and the boy was replaced with his son. 

He closed his eyes and threw the image away. His son would never be in that position. No one's son should be suffering through what Aidan was going through. 

Actually scratch that, no _parent_ deserved a child if they were going to treat them like that. The Malstroms were going to lose their children and any other blessings they might have precurred in their miserable lives, Bruce was going to make sure of that.

Dick was crying into his shirt, and Bruce didn't know if it was from fear (it wasn't uncommon for people to grow scared by imagining themselves in the victims position) or from sympathy for the poor boy. Bruce rubbed his shoulder and reached forward to push the laptop screen open, revealing articles and documents Dick had clearly been gathering to make a case. 'I will...provide a generous offer to the heads of Arkham and pull some strings to have Aidan discreetly released and have him safely placed in a safe house for a while. We're going to need more than homophobia to put his parents in jail.'

'Isn't neglect enough?'

'For a normal person yes. But they're important and rich, which mean some money will help them get a lenient sentence or no sentence at all. We have to make sure they stick to their cells.'

'I can reach out to Althia. Through Tiktok, I don't think her parents know about this account. Maybe she'll admit to abuse.'

'I'll pay closer attention to Simon Malstroms businesses and find any evidence of corruption or fraud in his buisness ways.' 

Dick nodded, shifting up and reaching for the keyboard but pulling his fingers back when Bruce snapped the lid shut. 'I will look through it now. You're clearly exhausted and you need your sleep and I don't want to admit you into Arkham because you went crazy from sleep deprivation.'

'Don't even joke.' Dick grumbled, turning his head to rub his nose against his father's white shirt. 'Still think Tiktok is trash?'

'I just think you use it too much. Now go to sleep, chum. You can talk to Althia in the morning. She'll probably be awake then too.'

'Mm.' 

'It'll be okay, kiddo. We'll make sure they get justice.' 

And if tomorrow, Tiktok got an official acknowledgement from Wayne enterprise, that was really none of his buisness, was it?

~

Bruce gazed at his son in exasperation as he stuck his left foot into the hood of his hoodie. 

'Do I even ask?'

'It's a tiktok trend.'

'Of course it is.' 

Dick straightened up from his bent over position, his cheeks red from ducking his head for so long. He pushed his hood down and rubbed the crick in his neck as he grinned at Bruce, clearly amused by his chargin.

'Want to venture a guess of what the trend is?'

'No.'

'Come on....'

'Finding the stupidest way to break your foot and end up in the hospital and grounded?'

'I'm not going to break my foot, I'm an acrobot!'

'Alright. What is the trend?' 

Dick tossed him his phone and Bruce didn't even try to stop himself from covering his eyes when he saw the girl on the screen stick her foot in her hoodie and pull it off by straightening up. 'What exactly is the purpose of this?' 

'It's cool!'

'Pulling your hoodie off with your hands is still acceptable, Dick.'

'You should celebrate uniqueness Bruce, not shame it.' Dick announced, turning his back on his father as he bent over and pulled his hoodie up enough to stick his foot in it again. He turned away and stared at the book he'd been trying to read instead of watching and waited for disaster.

Ten minutes of annoyed grunts and the rustling of clothes, Dick yelped and crashed hard on to the floor as a table he'd smacked against dramatically fell on the other side.

'Ow-'

'Anything Broken?'

'My dignity.'

'You lost that the second you stuck your foot inside your hood.'

'Hey! That's it!' Bruce glanced back in surprise at the perky tone and was wary to see that Dick had jumped to his feet in excitement, uncaring of the items that had scattered around him when he'd crashed into the table. 'I should use your hoodies! You're humongous, they'll come off easier. Thanks B!'

Dick had dashed out of the living room and returned wearing Bruce's _favourite_ black hoodie before the man could even register how much of an idiot his kid was. 'Do you not know when to give up?' 

Dick snorted, pulling the hood up and successfully obscuring half of his face. 'Says the workaholic.'

_Touche_

He turned back to his book and managed to get through one page before his phone rang, showing Clark's civilian number. He picked it up just as Dick's foot got stuck, which led to the boy blindly hopping around to free himself, which in turn led him to crashing against yet another decorative table.

'Ow!'

_'Bruce? Is everything okay? Was that Dick-?'_

'You're grounded.'

'Aw man, no fair-'

_'-Me?'_

'No clark, of course you're not grounded, why and how would I even ground you?' 

~

_'-yyy, reporting live-'_

_'-it's trap-'_

_'-bunny-'_

_'-bubbles'_

_'I WANNA LIVE IN A MANSION, PEDDLE TO THE ME-' ___

____

____

'Sir, perhaps it is wise that you and I take our leave and move our activities far away where we will not disturbed by Master Dick and Master Wallace's ambitious singing.'

'You can call it as it is, Alfred. They sound like dying crows.'

'I shall refrain from speaking that aloud, sir.' 

_'RENEGADE! RENEGADE!'_

'Where the hell are they even learning these songs from? They make no sense.'

'As I recall, Master Dick did tell us that the app he is so fond of tends to popularise unappreciated songs that have a catchy tone to them.'

'I think the world was doing everyone a favour when they were underappreciated.'

'Once again Master Bruce, I shall refrain from wording my thoughts aloud.'

_'I'M NOT YOUR-'_

_'I'M NOT YOUR TOY!'_

_'YOU STUPID BOY!'_

Bruce dropped his face in his hands, reminding himself that no matter how much he wanted to strangle the two boys upstairs, he should not do it because his care for them over rode his annoyance with them.

'Let's go to the court house.'

'Any particular reasons, sir?'

'I want to file a case against harrasment for being old and noise population.'

'Perheps a smarter choice would be to just go to a cafe, sir.'

'....Fine.'

~

'...and they're not even doing it right! If you're going to do a challenge do it right! It's to see how photogenic you are when you're cuaght off guard!'

'Okay.'

'It completely defeats the purpose if you purposely dress up and make your hair and do your makeup and wear pretty clothes. That's not being caught off guard!'

'Right.'

'And even if that's excusable, you're not suppose to pose. And those that call people out for posing are such hypocrites, they'll shake their head a little and then when the time comes to freeze the screen, they're posing!'

'Unacceptable.'

'I know! They'll make all these weird faces to show they're not trying hard but we're not blind, we can see you pull your shoulder up and smile before you freeze the camera-'

Bruce wondered if Dick would notice if he got up and left. Clearly, the discard for the rules of yet another frivolous trend upset him to the point that he really just needed to vent about it. Bruce doubted he'd care if he was rambling about this very important issue to the walls or his father, he just needed to vent.

'-absolute abomination to mankind-'

He hadn't hung out with his son for a while though. Who knows when they'll get the time next? Might as well just suck it up and soldier on.

He liked hearing Dick talk, he could just ignore the topic.

'-I mean there should be a law against hypocrites _and_ against idiots who ruin a perfectly good trend-'

'Absolutely.'

~

There were bubbles coming out of his son's mouth.

Bruce wasn't drunk enough to deal with this.

He took a deep breath to calm himself, glanced behind him to make sure Alfred wasn't anywhere close, gripped his hair and very calmly asked, 'Dick, what the _fuck?'_

In response, Dick burped out two more bubbles and choked.

Bruce closed his eyes, counted to ten and then turned on the faucet. He pulled Dick forward by his shirt and gripped the back of Dick's head as he ducked it under the stream of water. 'Wash your mouth out, you idiot. What even happened?'

Dick spat out a mouthful of soapy water and pointed vaguely at his phone which was propped up on his bath tub. A girl was gripping a shampoo bottle and rubbing some froth on her lips before blowing her lips to make bubbles sprout out.

'Your generation is a menace to themselves.'

Dick gargled in response before choking and Bruce thumped his back a little harder than was necessary to make up for his weakening heart and the strain Dick put on it.

~

'That is so not true. That's substantial evidence at best.'

'What case are you doing?'

'Not really a case. I'm watching conspiracy theories on Tiktok.'

'Give me that damn phone.'

'Wait, let me just watch this last video!'

'What is it about?'

'....Biden and Obama might be secretly dating.'

_'Give me that damn phone.'_

~

Bruce cursed his leniency for the billionth time as he carefully stepped through the forest, wondering if it would really be such a big deal if he got it cut down. He'd lost Dick in there more times than he could count and he always swore he'd get the place cut down but he never did because his kid loved it so much.

But if he was being honest, the one to blame should really be Crane and his cursed fear gas and toxins. Dick had received a full face of it yesterday and while the effects were nearly gone, he wasn't completely in his right state of mind. Bruce didn't know what exactly the boy had hallucinated which had caused him to break out of the cave and disappear into the forest, but he had to find him fast before Dick caught a cold or ended up escaping the forest and running around Gotham in his boxers.

He aimed the flash light up the trees, remembering the time Dick had hid in the trees after an unexpected visit from his social workers. He usually wouldn't be so bothered with Dick climbing up trees, god knows the boy had climbed worst things, but fear gas did damages to a persons balance and senses. The last thing he needed was for Dick to hallucinate the tree as a monster and accidently break his leg in his haste to get away from it.

He took another step, holding in a wince at the loud _crunch_ that came from beneath his shoe as he stepped on some twigs and dry leaves. If Dick was still lost in his haze of panic, he might get spooked and take off again.

The large oak on his left shuffled and a startled _meep_ came from the canopy of leaves. Bruce paused and aimed his torch up at the tree, sighing in relief when he spotted his son perched on one of the thickest branches.

Dick winced at the bright light and looked away, giving Bruce a full view of him and the older man took in the body tremors and shivers running over his body and the tens of tiny cuts on various areas that he'd no doubt received from running around in the forest with no clothes on in the dark.

He surpressed a groan when he noticed the various deep cuts on Dick's bare feet and toes. That would be a bitch to clean up, the boy was very ticklish when it came to his feet and barely ever let anyone clean any wounds there.

'Eurgh-'

'Hey bud.' Bruce spoke, his tone low and soothing as he tracked Dick's uncomfortable shifting. 'Want to come down from there? You worried everyone.'

'Too...bright-'

He aimed the light away from Dick's face so that it was hitting his stomach instead. 'I'm sorry, I don't want you falling down. Why don't you come down from there so that I don't have to worry about you breaking your head open?'

Dick shifted, his body lolling to the back dangerously and Bruce shuffled on his foot, ready to reach out and catch him in case he fell. 

'Dick?'

'My head hurts...'

'You have a concussion. All this running around couldn't have helped. Just come down from there and we can get you something for your headache, okay?'

Dick gripped the heavy tree branch and leant against it. 'I'm.... scared.'

Bruce sighed, shifting around to toe his shoes off, not bothering to ask why he was scared. He doubted Dick could explain what exactly he was scared of right now, the fear toxin he'd been given had really just made him paranoid and confused. 'Alright, stay put. I'm coming to get you okay?'

He waited until he got a timid agreement in response before he started climbing the tree, putting the flashlight between his teeth so that he could see where to place his feet. He was at the top in less then a minute, grimacing as the wet leaves stroked the back of his neck and stuck to his shirt and cheeks. 

Dick watched him climb up with hyper awareness, shuffling in a way that told Bruce he was still unsure of his safety. Bruce stick his shoe in a nook in the trunk to make sure he won't fall and let go of one branch to pull the torch out of his mouth and held it out for Dick to take.

'Hold this. Come here.'

'Uh...' Dick took the torch but didn't move forward, looking between Bruce and the ground. 'What if I fall?'

'You won't.' Bruce reassured as he held his arm out invitingly. 'I won't let you drop, I promise.' 

'But-'

'I'll keep you safe, Dick. That's what I'm here for, remember?' 

Dick searched him and Bruce noted in dismay that his lip was bleeding again. He reached out to swipe the blood away and gasped in surprise when Dick went limp and began to fall. His foot twisted painfully as he lurched forward and snagged him around the waist, using the last of his strength to pull himself straight again and tuck his son close to his chest. Dick curled up comfortably in his arms, pressing the torch against Bruce's chest so that it was shining in his eye. Bruce grunted in annoyance as he began to climb down, shaking the arm holding Dick so that the boy got the hint to move the torch away.

'What was that?' he asked gruffly, referring to the sudden stunt he'd just pulled. 'You could have broken your nose if I hadn't caught you.' 

'I thought you were going to bag pack me.'

Bruce dropped down on the ground carefully and wondered if he'd heard wrong. 'Huh?'

'Human bag pack.'

'What?'

'Tiktok trend.' 

'There is a trend to turn humans in to bag packs?!?'

'Mhm.'

'Dick? What the hell are you watching?' Bruce was on alert as he took the torch back from Dick and held it out in front of him to illuminate the way, mind racing as he came up with strategies to catch these psychos who were making bags out of _actual humans-_

'It's...like a yoga thing. You....you grab your feet with your hands and the person carries you like a...like a-'

'-like a bag pack.' Bruce finished for his son, relaxing now that he was no longer under the impression that Dick had been ignorantly watching gruesome acts of horror happen for people's enjoyment.

'Yeah...wanna try it?'

'Maybe some other time, chum.' 

'Oh....okay. Thank you.'

'No problem.' Bruce sighed, hiking Dick higher in his arms to make sure he wouldn't fall and tried not to think about how he hadn't held his kid like this for years. Dick still liked to hug but had deemed being carried around as no longer acceptable. Bruce could understand that. After all, the last time he himself had allowed anyone to pick him up was when he was eight and his parents had just been buried. Dick had liked to be carried around at least until the age of eleven something but by the time he'd turned thirteen, being picked up was no longer a choice. But it still bothered him how fast Dick was growing up if he was being honest.

He had never thought he'd be the type to mourn his kid growing up. 

But then again, he'd also never thought he would be a father at the age of 26. Or that he'd be carrying his almost naked son through his back forest at 3 am on a cold December morning. 

Or that he would have a heart attack because his son liked to watch weird trends on a weird app which could be translated into much weirder phenomenoms. 

Thin arms snaked around his neck as Dick cuddled close to him and tucked his head into the collar of his shirt. 'I'm cold.'

'Of course you're cold, it's ten degrees and you're running around in your underwear.' 

'You're mean.' 

'Mm.' 

~

'Alfred.' Bruce asked slowly, reaching down to pick up a fist full of bottle caps before letting them drop again. 'What's all this?'

'Master Dick's newest hobby.'

'Collecting bottle caps?'

'Using them to decorate various objects in the house. He's currently glueing them to Mister Roy's skateboard in the garage.'

'....Why?'

'He finds it amusing. I must say, I prefer this hobby than when he got in to crochets.' 

'Is....is that what that weird red thing is suppose to be on my study's armchair?'

'It's meant to be wonder woman.'

'Right.'

'He's ambitious but not very good.'

'Clearly. Is he any good at this activity?'

'Let's just say....I am quite looking forward to when he shifts hobbies....'

'Got it.'

~

'Dick, why are you on the wall?' 

'I'm putting up lights.'

'Those strip are lights?'

'Yup! I found them on Tiktok.'

'Of course you did. We don't need more lights down here.'

'I agree, B. I think we just need more _style.'_

'Excuse me?'

'Press that blue button on that remote.' 

Bruce picked up a laughably tiny remote with a variety of colourful buttons and lifted it up to the cave wall Dick was perched on and pressed the lightest blue button. The transparent strips lit up on an obnoxious colour of blue and illuminated the wide grin on Robin's face. Batman scowled back in return.

'We are not having those down here. Take those off.'

'Aww come on, I'll make sure they're not lit up when any of the Leaguers are down here.'

'Absolutely not Robin.' 

'The cave is dark and gloomy enough! It needs some of my personality too.'

'What do you call the assortment of pillows, video games and trapeze equipments scattered around?'

'Essentials.'

'Take those down.'

'I swear I won't turn them pink!'

'No.'

'Please dad?'

.......

 _Dammit._

Dick did in fact turn the lights pink. And purple. And red. And green. Bruce decided that he could just work on case files up in the kitchen and have league meetings in his garage. 

~

'Goodnight Dick.'

'Wait Bruce, when's Selina's birthday?'

'Why?'

'Just curious.'

'11th of March.'

'Soooo, that makes her a pisces, right?'

'I have no idea.'

'And you're an aries.'

'I don't know.'

'According to _starsalight41_ on tiktok, you're not very compatible.'

'Good night Dick.'

'You should take her seriously, she's really good!'

_'Good night.'_

~

'If you can say _baby_ without showing your teeth, it means you're a natural flirt.' 

'It does not mean that.'

'You should try it.'

'No thank you.'

'Brucie Wayne could use flirting tips.'

'Not from Tiktok.'

'....Arham mango said that you were vain.'

'Who is that?'

'This Pakistani tiktokker. He started the trend of showing off traditional clothes to ariana grande's song. He made up this trend too.'

'He sounds fascinating.'

'Hmm. Try it.'

'No.'

~

'This is the worst day of my life!'

'Dick-'

'People are Vile!'

'We're in a public setting.' Bruce hissed, though he wondered how much judgement he could receive in the food court of one of Gotham's less popular malls. They did receive some odd looks from a few tables but they look amused more then anything, obviously having heard Dick's meltdown.

Dick shook his strawberry shake aggressively as he pulled his hood up, taking a huge gulp before dropping his head on to the table.

'I am _mortified!'_

'I still don't know why you're upset.' 

'What do you mean why am I upset? My eyes are _tainted._ It's bad enough that I have to deal with women throwing themselves at you and giving you very obvious hints that they want to come back to your bed-'

'Richard.' he interrupted the boy warningly, chancing another glance at the surrounding crowd.

'What? I'm fourteen, I'm not stupid. But as I was saying, that's traumatising enough and then I had to deal with finding out girls _my age_ find you attractive and the last thing I needed was to see tacky edits of you on tiktok.'

'How did you even end up there?' Bruce asked, trying his best to conceal the amusement in his voice at Dick's dramatics.

'It popped up on my for you page. At first I thought it was just another video talking about some wild rumors, I _like_ those videos. But then _playdate_ started playing and _baam_ the next thing I know you're in slow motion and sparkly.'

'I'm touched.'

'And that's not even the worst part, the worst thing was when I realised that four of the accounts dedicated to make edits of you were girls from _my school!'_

Bruce coughed awkwardly, deciding to take a bite out of his sandwich instead of answering. 'I mean, the only thing left for me to do is to drop out of school-'

'No.'

'But I'm traumatised! And I don't feel safe there, what if I overhear someone gushing over your _swimmers body_ again?'

'Then you get up and change rooms.'

'What if I'm stuck in class?'

'I think you and I both know that you are well capable of getting yourself out of.... uncomfortable situations.'

'I could do that or I could just do the easeir thing and drop out of school.'

'Or....you could just delete Tiktok.'

'Tiktik is the only thing that brings me joy and happiness now adays.'

'Mhm. Eat your fries.'

'I'm too depressed-'

'Fine, I'll eat your fries-'

'Hey, no! Hands off my fries you greedy giant!'

~

'B, B, B-'

'What?' he grunted tiredly, reaching behind him to smooth a hand through Dick's hair to calm the excitable boy down. He finally glanced behind him when his hand was grabbed and urgently pulled at.

'Thats _Willy Wonka!'_

Bruce followed Dick's pointed hand to the other side of the shop, to a young lean man wearing a long velvet red coat over black jeans. His blond hair was pushed back with rather peculiar looking sun glasses 'Is that a friend of yours?' 

_He looked a little too old to be Dick's friend, what kind of people was his son hanging out with-_

Dick choked on a laugh and gave Bruce a pinched look, his lips twisted into a grin that told him that he'd said something stupid.

'You think Willy Wonka is a friend?'

'Well...where else should I assume that you know him from?'

Dick stared up at him in amusement before shaking his head and pushing his sunglasses higher up his nose. 'Mm, you're right, he's a friend. How much longer till we can go back to the hotel?'

'After lunch.'

'Kaykay.' Dick hummed, turning back to stare at the man he'd excitedly announced. 'Wow, he's taller then he looks like online-'

'You met that guy online?'

'Oh Bruce....'

~

'Richard John Grayson!'

Dick jumped a foot into the air, turning around to warily stare up at Bruce with wide eyes. 'Whatever you're here to yell at me about, I'm innocent. I haven't done a single thing to make you mad for at least a week and I've been innocently sitting in your office doing homework since I came here from school-'

'-so you didn't upload a video of me falling down the manor stairs on your Tiktok account?'

'....except that.'

'You little-'

'I didn't mean for the video to go viral! I just uploaded it for laughs, I have like 49 followers but then someone must have reposted it and it just blew up!'

'That's not getting you out of trouble.' 

Dick's eyes widened as Bruce shut the door to his office so that no one else in the building would be able to peek in. Dick's eyes widened comically as he shot up to run to the other side of the desk to put some distance between them, wary but still having the audacity to giggle.

'Careful B, there are a lot of cameras here I can hack into in case you forgot how to walk again- YEEP!' Dick would forever deny the embarrassing squeak that left his mouth as Bruce unexpectedly lunged for him from the other side of the desk and pulled him towards him over the desk, trapping the boy in his arms as he pressed his fingers to the teengaer's stomach and ferociously tickling him.

Dick immediately began to squirm, pushing his fingers against the arm wrapped around his waist and kicking his legs weakly as he threw his head back and laughed loudly. Bruce settled on the floor to avoid Dick's kicks to his knee and to have better access to tickle him, Dick's squirming leading to him being plastered to his stomach rather then being trapped against Bruce's chest. 

'That video-' he said calmly over Dick's breathless giggles and gasps, throwing his heavy leg over Dick's and using his right arm to lift Dick's arm to get easier access to his sides. '-should never have gone up in the first place.' 

'I'll take it down.' Dick gasped, twisting around to lay his head on Bruce's thigh and gazing up at his father, his eyes teary and abright with mirth. 'Pro- mi-i-i-i-se.' His words got stuck in his throat as Bruce went back to tickling his stomach and now attacked his chin. He threw his head back and kicked his legs against the carpeted floors hard, a tear managing to escape and slip down his face. 

'You bet you will. And then you're mowing the lawns.'

'Heheheehhekay-hehe, Bru-u-u-cee.' 

'At least four of them.'

'Okay! Okay! Plea-a-se let me hehheh- uppp- hehe-'

'You haven't apologised yet.' he replied smugly, thoroughly enjoying the moment of getting one up over his troll of a son.

Dick turned on his stomach, his cheeks red from how hard he'd been laughing and Bruce pulled a leg up to settle it on Dick's back as he squeezed his fingers into the gap between the floor and Dick's stomach to continue his torment. 'I'm sorry! S-sorr-yeeeheheh-'

Bruce finally took pity on him and let the boy up, standing up to his full height and adjusting his suit and tie as Dick breathed heavily and pushed himself on to all fours to lean against the desk, massaging his stomach.

'You're evil.' He breathed out, leaning his head back against the wooden platform to look up at his father. Bruce merely smiled back, reaching for the yellow file propped on the table and flipping it open as he calmly delivered the last crushing bow. 'You haven't even seen what I'm planning to do to you as revenge.' 

'Revenge?' Dick asked, on alert but still too giggly to sit up straight. _'This_ wasn't revenge? I think you liquified my organs!' 

Bruce smiled over his shoulder as he opened the door and stepped out, closing it just as Dick screamed out, 'What are you planning?!?'

~

'You signed me up for _ballroom dancing_ classes?!?' 

'Mhm. And I'm going to be right there for your final class to record all of it.'

'And do what? Upload it to Tiktok?!?'

'I might accidentally leave it playing in mount Justice for your friends to see...'

'You cant do this to me! This is child abuse, I-'

Bruce ruffled Dick's hair and left the boy to his breakdown. He was certainly enjoying this.

~

Bruce stared at his phone in exasperation, taking in the new viral video of him accidentally setting his tie on fire before turning to glare at Dick's username on the upper side of the video that showed who the camera man had been.

Damn kid had decided that the best way to get revenge on Bruce everytime they fought was to upload dumb videos of him to his tiktok account. He had gone from forty nine followers to eighteen thousand in a month after he'd made his account public for this very purpose. 

Why had no one told him that a part of being a father was having to be publically humiliated by your son who liked to upload stupid videos of him to this wretched app? He might have given this some more thought.

~

_'Cause mam, I'm in love with a criminal.'_

'Excuse me?!?'

'Just a song, B....'

~

_'Why you always in a mood? Fu-'_

'Robin, we're over looking a murder scene.' Bruce gritted out in exasperation, twisting the urge to face palm and instead focus on the sample he was collecting of the bloodied blanket. 

'Sorry boss.' 

They worked in peace for all about four minutes before- 

__'She said whachu know bout love-'_ _

_'Robin!'_

_~_

Bruce nodded his thanks to the guard as he held the door open to him, and was running the numbers from the latest stock meeting in his head when he heard it. 

'-it's vanilla dot _son_ not sun. Oh no, it's with a capital V, Tiktok doesn't put up the right username of you don't-' 

Bruce froze and spun around to stare in horror at the two young adults he recognized as the new interns. They were bent over their phones and even from the distance ,Bruce could see the tell tale image of that cursed app's icon- 

'Yup, that's my account.' 

'Cool I can send you cat videos now.' 

'And cool dances.' 

'Yup.' 

Bruce wanted to cry. 

__He would never be safe from that damned app._ _

**Author's Note:**

> ITS MIDTERM WEEK BITCHES WHICH IS OF COURSE WHY U DECIDED TK WRITE THIS LONG ASS FIC AND PUT ALL MY TIME AND EFFORT INTO IT!
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING! I HOPE YOU ENJOYED Dick BEING AN ABSOLUTE IDIOT


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